I wish this blog would be about our miracle surprise baby. I wish this was about the excitement of how our family would be growing once again. So many wishes yet here I am writing about loss yet again.
Back story.... well it’s not complicated. We miraculously found ourselves pregnant on our own. 10 years total of infertility and $50,000 plus of treatments and here we were for the third time pregnant spontaneously. I will never forget the moment I took the test(just to rule it out) and it was blazing positive. I had never ever seen a positive that dark and yet there I was, shaking and in awe. I was so nervous to tell Steven. I mean we have 14 month old triplets! TRIPLETS! And never to forget our sweet Hope. 5 kids? But just like Steven he was over the moon. Shocked yet so excited! Took me out to celebrate that night. This man of mine is amazing.
In perfect me style I was worried. I immediately got in to check my levels and progesterone. My hcg was rising perfectly but my progesterone was questionable. I opted to go on progesterone. I had all my same symptoms I’ve always had. I was nervous but not worried. We even told Hope. She was so excited! Hoping for a boy for “Stevens sake” that girl is always thinking of others. She told everyone. Literally everyone. Such a proud sister. Steven and I started to tell some people. We laughed and celebrated.
And then everything came crashing down. We went in to see the baby and there was no heartbeat. I just couldn’t believe it. My initial thought went to my beautiful daughter who is so excited. She loves when the weeks turn over and can hear what fruit the baby is the size of. I instantly felt ill thinking of telling her. I just didn’t want to believe we were going through this yet again. 3 losses. Another baby we will again never get to hold and bathe and rock to sleep. How? Why? It will never make sense to us.
As I drove home I yelled out to God. Not again. I started my texts to friends and family letting them know. But the worst was yet to come. Steven left to get Hope from school... she walked in and said “soooooo how many babies??? What did the nurse say? Tell me everything”! I felt so ill. Time stood still. I didn’t even plan what I would say. I asked her to sit next to me and let her know that the baby didn’t make it. She wept. She wept for 45 min straight. She did what I did, went through everyone she told crying about how she would have to tell them. It was utterly gut wrenching. She loves like no other. She looked at me and said “ it’s so hard when you love someone so much and they are just gone” 😭😭😭💔💔💔💔. She keeps saying I feel sick but like sad sick 💔
What I learned is that no matter the age everyone grieves similarly. No matter how hard it was to deliver the bad news if we got to do it all over again I would still share it with her. She would have wonders why I was crying. I believe she will be able to comfort other young kids that go through this. Although they might not be as vocal as she is ❤️
I was so excited to announce. I was so excited to share the miracle that God had carefully planned. I was so excited to share this testimony. And now I find myself confused. But what I do know is that God is good. I don’t think we get to know all the answers. So I focus on choosing to let the questions go and just believe He loves me.
So where are we now? Waiting for Monday. Monday I will have a d&c. I will pray that everyone goes perfectly so it doesn’t cause any more issues with me and pregnancy.
Was this the perfect time for another baby? No. Was this sweet baby planned? No. Was this baby loved and wanted? Yes. Did we already start planning the whole year? Yes. Did we think of names? Yes. And in an instant everything changed. Everything was over. I feel heart broken. I feel angry. I feel broken. I want to go back in time. I want to go back when the thrill of not knowing how I would care for 4 kids under 2 was what I thought about. Baby wearing all day so I could still get around with the trips. Thinking of co-sleeping was blissful since I didn’t get to with the triplets. New baby smell. Big belly. So much. I want it all back. But this is our reality now.
We are so grateful for the beautiful children we have. We are so blessed to have them. We were never guaranteed any. As angry as I am with my body I’m so proud of the fact that it carried triplets 35 weeks. That’s amazing.
So where now? No idea. Taking time to heal and hold my babies. Why am I sharing? Because I want this baby to be remembered. And I want others to know they are not alone. Break the silence. Share your sweet angels with people.