To love and lose again.

To love and lose again. 

I wish this blog would be about our miracle surprise baby. I wish this was about the excitement of how our family would be growing once again. So many wishes yet here I am writing about loss yet again. 

Back story.... well it’s not complicated. We miraculously found ourselves pregnant on our own. 10 years total of infertility and $50,000 plus of treatments and here we were for the third time pregnant spontaneously. I will never forget the moment I took the test(just to rule it out) and it was blazing positive. I had never ever seen a positive that dark and yet there I was, shaking and in awe. I was so nervous to tell Steven. I mean we have 14 month old triplets! TRIPLETS! And never to forget our sweet Hope. 5 kids? But just like Steven he was over the moon. Shocked yet so excited! Took me out to celebrate that night. This man of mine is amazing. 

In perfect me style I was worried. I immediately got in to check my levels and progesterone. My hcg was rising perfectly but my progesterone was questionable. I opted to go on progesterone. I had all my same symptoms I’ve always had. I was nervous but not worried. We even told Hope. She was so excited! Hoping for a boy for “Stevens sake” that girl is always thinking of others. She told everyone. Literally everyone. Such a proud sister. Steven and I started to tell some people. We laughed and celebrated. 

And then everything came crashing down. We went in to see the baby and there was no heartbeat. I just couldn’t believe it. My initial thought went to my beautiful daughter who is so excited. She loves when the weeks turn over and can hear what fruit the baby is the size of. I instantly felt ill thinking of telling her. I just didn’t want to believe we were going through this yet again.  3 losses. Another baby we will again never get to hold and bathe and rock to sleep. How? Why? It will never make sense to us. 

As I drove home I yelled out to God. Not again. I started my texts to friends and family letting them know. But the worst was yet to come. Steven left to get Hope from school... she walked in and said “soooooo how many babies??? What did the nurse say? Tell me everything”! I felt so ill. Time stood still. I didn’t even plan what I would say. I asked her to sit next to me and let her know that the baby didn’t make it. She wept. She wept for 45 min straight. She did what I did, went through everyone she told crying about how she would have to tell them. It was utterly gut wrenching. She loves like no other. She looked at me and said “ it’s so hard when you love someone so much and they are just gone” 😭😭😭💔💔💔💔. She keeps saying I feel sick but like sad sick 💔

What I learned is that no matter the age everyone grieves similarly. No matter how hard it was to deliver the bad news if we got to do it all over again I would still share it with her. She would have wonders why I was crying. I believe she will be able to comfort other young kids that go through this. Although they might not be as vocal as she is ❤️

I was so excited to announce. I was so excited to share the miracle that God had carefully planned. I was so excited to share this testimony. And now I find myself confused. But what I do know is that God is good. I don’t think we get to know all the answers. So I focus on choosing to let the questions go and just believe He loves me. 

So where are we now? Waiting for Monday. Monday I will have a d&c. I will pray that everyone goes perfectly so it doesn’t cause any more issues with me and pregnancy. 

Was this the perfect time for another baby? No. Was this sweet baby planned? No. Was this baby loved and wanted? Yes. Did we already start planning the whole year? Yes. Did we think of names? Yes. And in an instant everything changed. Everything was over. I feel heart broken. I feel angry. I feel broken. I want to go back in time. I want to go back when the thrill of not knowing how I would care for 4 kids under 2 was what I thought about. Baby wearing all day so I could still get around with the trips. Thinking of co-sleeping was blissful since I didn’t get to with the triplets. New baby smell. Big belly. So much. I want it all back. But this is our reality now. 

We are so grateful for the beautiful children we have. We are so blessed to have them. We were never guaranteed any. As angry as I am with my body I’m so proud of the fact that it carried triplets 35 weeks. That’s amazing. 

So where now? No idea. Taking time to heal and hold my babies. Why am I sharing? Because I want this baby to be remembered. And I want others to know they are not alone. Break the silence. Share your sweet angels with people. 

Surprise!

TRIPLETS! Identical twins and a singleton.

I'll let that soak in while I back up... Steven and I embarked on what we decided would be our last IVF cycle at the beginning of September. We got off to a very slow start when we found out my thyroid level was elevated and we couldn't start the cycle. I was put on thyroid medication and told to wait 30 days. 30 days came and went and sure enough not only did my thyroid not go down but it went up.... Needless to say I was frustrated. So they upped the dose and I decided to do the whole30 and see if my food intake could effect my results as well. 30 days later and sure enough both did the trick. We then got the go ahead to start the injections and cycle. Once again we hit a wall. I was not responding to the meds and had to purchase more and take more. We were just feeling defeated and concerned maybe this was the end of the road for us. Steven and I trust God and we really did during this. We believed if Hope would be our only child then we would be more then satisfied! Anyways back to the cycle:) we finally made it to retrieval and things went well! They retrieved 16 eggs and then the waiting started. You wait until the next day to hear how many were mature, then how many fertilized and then how many make it to day 2,3 and 5. It's exhausting. It's emotional. It takes a lot of support from friends who listen to all your fears and hopes and dreams. Would never have made it without them.

Transfer day! We arrived at the clinic and waited to hear how many survived to day 5! When we got ready and headed to the transfer room the embryologist came in and explained we have 9 embryos that had made it to day 5. 9 NINE 9! Did she say 9????? We felt so grateful. Long before this day Steven and I had already decided we would transfer two embryos. Hope was a single embryo transfer but we have had so many fail since then that we had made our choice. The doctor and embryologist tried to talk us into just one since the two they had picked out for the day were both 5AA which is the highest grade you can get, but we stuck to our guns and did both. Now more waiting!!!! About 4 days after the transfer I noticed I was not feeling well. My stomach started to feel full and painful. When I went in for a blood drawl for progesterone they weighed me and realized I had gained quite a bit in a short amount of time but not enough to do anything about it.

  Family to the rescue!!! Thankfully my mom and dad already had a trip planned the the two weeks before Christmas because things got a little crazy around here. I went in 10 days after the transfer to get my Pregnancy blood test but that would not be all I would be doing. When I arrived they realized I was very uncomfortable, severally bloated and miserable. They weighed me and I had gained 12 pounds in 10 days of fluid. I definitely wasn't leaving the facility. I had developed a condition called OHSS( ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome)  While they did the paperwork to find me a room and get me admitted I waited in the room all alone wondering if all this pain was for something. At that point I wasn't even able to eat or drink. Before I knew it all the nurses had entered the room and collectively told me that it was all for SOMETHING! We were pregnant!!! When I saw what my HCG number was I was shocked! To put it into perspective on the same day I was pregnant with Hope her number was 49...this time it was 452!!! We put two in and knew that it was a possibility to get two. Not always does the number indicate how many you have but based on our previous with Hope we had a good idea. I stayed in the hospital for 2 nights while I waited for my body to start releasing some of the fluid. I can't tell you how lucky I was that my family was here. Hope had really no idea what was going on! I on the other hand missed my families entire trip which sucked.

  Flash forward two weeks! Finally the day of our ultrasound. Basically everyone was making bets as to whether we had one or two. While everyone was talking numbers I just wanted to see at least one heartbeat. Ultrasound started and right away there were two sacks and two babies! We could see and hear both heartbeats. We were so excited and yes shocked even though we put two in. We just had tried so many times and nothing and here this time TWO!!!. We spent the next few days adjusting to the idea of twins! Crazy how different the idea of two verses one is!

  Feeling a little off.... about a week and a half later I just felt off. I was concerned something was wrong. I just can't explain how I felt so I called the clinic and asked to be seen on the Friday instead of Monday. Steven was able to leave work and be there for me. So here we were waiting to be seen and praying we would still see heartbeats. Little did we know everything was about to change. As the ultrasound started the doctor immediately said "well we have a full house here" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? The next thing we knew he was counting off three. 3. 3. 3. What did he say? 3? Suddenly twins seemed so easy:) They all had beautiful heartbeats and were measuring identical to each other. So what happened? Well both embryos we transferred took, and one split! The spitting is not related to IVF at all, it was just spontaneous! Not the best picture but he did get all 3.

Triplets!! So here we are still in shock and trying to figure out how we will get through this amazing challenge. We are so grateful, excited, nervous, overwhelmed, confident, and so very thankful. So we ask for prayers....lots of prayers! We are expecting these littles to arrive in July!
~The Hopper's 

PS: We still have 4 Frozen Embryos:)

Two sleeps and counting....

I can't believe I only have two sleeps until I head to a new chapter in our lives! I have spent the last few days saying goodbye to so many people. I have managed to not cry yet. I feel like I should be but I'm not. I feel at total peace that this is exactly what God wants us to do! I'm sure once I'm there I might feel a bit overwhelmed. But until that happens I'm going to continue in the peace I feel! Hope is just about done with her second molar coming through and since I got her new amber teething necklace she seems to be handling it better! I'm really hoping and praying she transitions well to Wisconsin. We want to work on getting her into her own crib but since we will be in a one bedroom her crib will be in our room... Oh well we will be trying anyways:) I'm beat, tired, a little anxious and nervous but I'm off to bed! Until next time...

A mothers heart...

Just sitting in the car waiting for Hope to wake up from a nap and I can't help but think of my close friends who have lost babies and to think of the two early miscarriages I had. I'm so grateful for Hope. It's so hard to understand the fallen world we live in that is full of pain, hurt, disappointment, death, and so much more. I use to fear going to heaven. I still have moments where the unknowing throws me off but who wouldn't want to live in entirety without all those awful things. Who wouldn't want to love where babies don't die. I feel physically ill when I think of mothers that bury their babies. My heart breaks when I think of mothers that don't get the chance you nurse their babies. I am reminded daily of how blessed I truly am to have a baby girl who is so healthy. I pray each day for each toe and finger and for her heart and lungs. I pray The Lord will protect her so I can continue to watch her grow. I pray that I can be the best mother for her and raise her to love The Lord who keeps her safe. Thank you Jesus for this sweet girl you have I trusted me with! I would attach a beautiful sleeping picture but I can't figure out how to do it with my phone yet! Until next time...

10 days 11 hours....

But who is counting. I can't believe how soon it is until we leave. I think I won't realize what really happened until I have been there a few weeks, or maybe until a holiday hits. I have never lived away from home, neither one of us have. We didn't go to college out of state and we were both raised here. What are we in for? So exciting and scary at the same time. I have made it a point to stay on the same page as Steven as the weeks have gotten closer. We need to be a solid unit for this move as it will be quite the change. We unfortunately hit a bit of a rough patch 2 days ago. Nothing that needs to be hashed out here but Steven just made some poor choices that lead to feelings being hurt. So...how do we refocus before the move? Forgiveness....real forgiveness. Believing in the person. Trusting in the words they say when you don't think you can. Choosing to see the good in them and realizing all that bad that is in yourself as well. So far with preparing to move, being "one" a "solid unit" has seemed to be the most important. Things have been rough for Hope. Coming back to my parents after living here previously and changing rooms 3 times since we have been here has been tough. She isn't sleeping well, super fussy and just plain old having a hard time. I am excited to get settled, but sadly that won't really be until we are in a house in Green Bay. I will try and do my best to make the apartment feel like home. It isn't the fact that it is an apartment, its just we could be there for two months or a year, we don't know. Oh well! We will make the best of it. Over the last few days Hope has learned a few new things! 1. She finally looked up at the sky and noticed the airplanes. 2. She now can hear the airplanes and identify them! 3. She clearly said doggie 4. She clearly said K for Okay;)Which is a big deal because she says "ya" to everything. Well I'm off to browse the internet for new glasses! Until next time!

a breaking heart....

Today is a day I will never forget. Today my sweet friend Jenna gave birth to her son, Madden Hayes, at 32 weeks old. Madden was diagnosed with a rare disease that meant Death Baring. Jenna has known for the last 12 weeks that her sweet boy that she has loved since the moment she found out she was pregnant was going to die at birth if not sooner. It wasn't even one of those 5% cases....it was a God would have to do the miraculous for him to live. We believed and prayed for a miracle all the while knowing that it may not happen. Jenna's water broke this morning and by 9:30 she had given birth to a beautiful baby boy. He lived for 15 minuets. Jenna prayed she would at least be able to see/hold him alive and that prayer came to fruition, praise the Lord. I wasn't expecting to be able to visit her in the hospital as she had not wanted people there but she had changed her mind and there I was driving to see her. As I walked in the room, room 5, there was a courageous friend holding her first born son in her arms. I could see the love in her eyes. My heart instantly sank, afraid I would not know what to say but you just say, you just do. She talked all about the delivery and how grateful she was that things went smoothly. What? she was grateful for something while she held her baby that had passed away? She has blown me away. Her love for the Lord has never wavered. She trusts the Lord. She honors the Lord. She Loves the Lord with all her heart mind and soul. She has been such an example to others. I can't describe how proud I am of her. Never for a moment did I think I would get to hold Madden. It would never be something I would ask just like I didn't ask to visit either. As I was leaving after spending time with her she asked if I would like to hold him. I was honored. I will never forget those moments. I will never forget the chance to hold him. Sweet baby Madden I am so grateful you are now pain free dancing with your savior and Heavenly Father. I can not wait to see you in your healthy body. You were a light while you grew in your mommy's tummy and for the time here on earth! To my sweet friend Jenna, you are one amazing women. You are a selfless mother and a beautiful person inside and out. I am lucky to get to be your friend. I will be holding and squeezing and loving on Hope even more today and for the weeks to come as I think of Jenna's loss. Until next time....

Almost done!

We are so close to being done! House is basically empty and I just have cleaning to do! Packing and cleaning is really easy with a busy baby....but she makes for great breaks;) Nursing continues to be a good excuse to take a break! Today Hope had a pretty great day....although she still doesn't love to sleep;) Daddy came home with a new Veggie Tale movie for her that matches a book she has. She seems to love the theme song! here is a little clip

Love her so much! ~until next time